right ! i really should stop doing this kind of topic.(anyway title mean;my friend) because its sickening!!!! well,better la ni daripada cringe love story or heartbreak love story ke apa en. uhm.
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tadi kemas bilik, aku nampak banyak buku tulis yang kau tau kan buku yang cover dia lawa lawa tu? aku ni dulu memang minat buku buku macamni,sedap je mata memandang walaupun membazir duit haih. selak selak,tengok banyak lagi kosong. macamana aku boleh terfikir nak beli lagi buku lain sedangkan buku yang dah beli tu tak penuh lagi? duhhhh.
ok,relate buku buku tu dengan my topic today ialah isi dalam salah satu buku tu. yes. this one book. banyak sangat memori. banyak gila. masa aku selak selak tu terus terlintas dalam fikiran
"why are you so kind?"
"why are you so stupid?"
"why are you so naive?"
rasa macam nak maki diri sendiri. aku ada la jugak baca buku yang lain,tak banyak lah aku luahkan perasaan tapi ada la satu part tu aku macam tersentak. the notes that i wrote really sounds hurt. very very very hurt.
i mean,look. why i let people hurt me so bad? and i still by their side? like weh kenapa baik sangat aku dulu? tahap dewi! bila baca balik semua,rasa nak peluk diri sendiri and cakap
"dearself,you've been through a lot. you did well"
walaupun rasa nak salahkan diri sendiri,tapi tu semua kenangan kan. kenangan paling perit dalam hidup aku. tak tipu. sebab bila aku baca setiap note tu terus hati aku macam pedih. dia macam cucuk cucuk. pernah tak rasa macamni? sakit kan. kenapa ek,bila kita ada dengan dia dulu punyalah tak reti nak hargai. lepastu bila dah takde depan mata,menagih balik. i cannot brain. yes, i am truly grateful that she kinda still remember me tapi hati dah tawar.
aku pun tak sedar sebenarnya bila perasaan sayang tu dah hilang,tapi srsly mungkin sebab she keep hurting me again and again dulu. and i keep forgiving her. sebab apa? sebab im afraid of losing her. im afraid she left me. orang yang nampak our friendship mesti rasa macam aku yang over tau. haha! malu la jugak kadang kadang,sebab memang obvious nampak i yang terhegeh hegeh nak kawan dengan dia. tapi aku peduli apa! aku punya life kan.
tapi tu lah, macam aku pernah cakap dalam post aku dulu, she never post our picture on public dulu. how ironic. terus terfikir "ahhh..she cares about looks." banyak lagi lah benda yang aku tak boleh nak cerita kat sini sebab nanti terlampau panjang. tak boleh nak listkan. banyak sangat. my friendship with her literally one sided. aku yang lebih. that fucking hurt.
i tell you, after this incident im so careful with whom i want to befriend with. no,i mean i kawan dengan semua orang cuma bila it comes to care and love i become choosy. tapi takat ni, she is the last person i give my care and love to. see? betapa careful nya saya. bukan apa. my heart also need a care from me. kena jaga hati ni elok elok. lepas je kejadian pahit ni, aku kawan je macam biasa dengan semua. like always. lepastu bila someone macam ada terasa or macam tarik muka ke apa en, kalau back to my old me aku akan pujuk semua lah. tapi sekarang? aku biar je. hahahahaha aku terus cari kawan lain.
stop love too much.
stop care too much.
stop being too kind.
love yourself first.
alhamdulillah la, bila aku amalkan benda ni hidup aku jadi lebih happy and ringan. srs talk. oh lagi satu
find positivity only.
bila kau cari benda positive je kan,kau pun automatik jadi positif. cari kawan yang ada positive vibe,cari suasana yang positive. sebabtu bila someone moody ke apa kan,aku terus cari kawan yang ada positive vibe kat dia. kau takkan serabut weh. tak tipu. i love my new me. start fresh!
dulu ada jugaklah selalu mimpi nak travel dengan kawan kawan lama lah bagai,tapi bila dah makin meningkat usia, i don't think kawan lama will be our travel partner. mesti yang jadi your travel partner is your newest friends. or kawan yang tak sampai setahun kenal pun. really.
you know what, i don't have anything. i don't have looks that my friends can proud to show off. i don't have anything special. people find me when they need my advice. oh yea. maybe im good at giving advice and comfort. they love to talk to me about their worry and problem. im thankful for that. at least even when im gone, they would remember something abt me. kah!
now, aku banyak lah jugak tengok motivation video kat youtube. aku jadi sayang sangat kat diri sendiri. rasa macam banyak lagi benda yang aku boleh buat aku happy. aku sendiri yang buat. well banyaklah to-do-list aku,aku nak banggakan diri sendiri,nak bagi diri sendiri that happiness.
note to selfdearself,don't worry about poeple that left you because you don't have anything;you just keep going.once you have everything,they will find you back.And when they did,give them a look that sounds like"you did left me,remember? regret much?"
hafiza ahmad
